Chapter 1 reflections: No Drama Discipline

I am reading No Drama Discipline 

by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson.

 

Here are my reflections on chapter 1 of this helpful book on addressing challenging behaviors with a Whole-Brain approach....

While being on autopilot with parenting may sometimes seem like a good idea, we hear how we should be consistent, we should be strict, be clear afterall... however, choosing a one size fits all approach to situations (and all ages) just does not work with human beings that fluctuate daily. We, as as adults fluctuate in our moods but especially so do children whose brains are not fully developed until they are well into their 20's!

As parents, we need to be cognizant that children have their ups and downs with the flow of emotions and change of development based on their ages, amounts of sleep, and current developmental stage. This does NOT mean that we change our expectations. Our behavioral expectations for respectful, kind, and safe behaviors do not change. It is simply our approach that needs to be consistent with teaching vs. shunning for longer term independent choice making to happen.

Autopilot would be so helpful for the times when we are tired, we have a lack of sleep ourselves, we are simply not at our best. Parenting with high expectations for behavior while truly engaging a child's brain connectivity takes our own serious energy and pre-thought. It takes the ability to slow ourselves down, not be reactive, to be calm and clear (again, not backing down, but being in the moment objectively). I probably do not need to spell this out, folks, but we need to learn to care for ourselves so that we can truly be in that moment with our children when they are losing it due to not having the skills to handle something on their own effectively.

So say you are in the moment, you are attempting to engage in a tough situation with your child. This book goes into helping you simplify the steps you can use to employ effective discipline. These are the basics behind Applied Behavior Analysis, by the way:

1. Ask yourself why your child is behaving the way they are behaving. If you child has hit you or someone else, truly ask yourself “why?” Was it to gain your or someone's attention? Was it to get out of a situation? (all behavior is a form of communication)
2. What lesson do I want to teach? (what is the alternative way to communicate that need that would be more appropriate?)
3. How can I best teach this lesson? (remember that it is never a good idea to attempt to teach anyone anything when emotions are running high. The authors equate this with approaching a growling, barking dog and trying to teach it to “sit” or some other trick when it is at it's height of fight mode.... get through the moment as clearly and safely as possible but definitely come back to it later when emotions are cooled).

Also in this chapter, the authors outline the serious downsides to using spanking and time outs for discipline measures. Spanking (or other aggressive responses to challenging behaviors) either leave the child with the message that their disciplinarian is someone to be feared or avoided creating lying and/or blaming behavior. Time outs basically teach a child that they must fend for themselves and hide their emotional responses – not work through them with someone who can guide them to more effective means of expressing or handling a given situation. Neither promote brain connectivity to manage future scenarios confidently and mindfully.

Next the chapter walks us through really thinking about the manners in which we discipline now and how we have done so in the past. The idea is that we will blame ourselves, feel guilty, etc. but the time is now. We can discipline successfully from this moment forward and with the Whole-Brain in mind! “The more compassion you can have for yourself, the more compassion you can have for your child. Even the best parents realize that there will always be times they can be more intentional, effective, and respectful regarding how they discipline their children.... we can work on reducing the number of times we simply react (or overreact) to a situation, and increasing the times we respond out of a clear and receptive sense of what we believe our kids need – in each particular moment, and as they move through childhood toward adolescence and adulthood.” pg 32

On to chapter 2! More soon~