I am reading No Drama Discipline
by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson.
Here are my reflections on chapter 1 of this helpful book on addressing challenging behaviors with a Whole-Brain approach....
While being on autopilot with parenting may sometimes
seem like a good idea, we hear how we should be consistent, we
should be strict, be clear afterall... however, choosing a one size fits all
approach to situations (and all ages) just does not work with human beings that
fluctuate daily. We, as as adults fluctuate in our moods but especially so do
children whose brains are not fully developed until they are well into their
20's!
As parents, we need to be cognizant
that children have their ups and downs with the flow of emotions and
change of development based on their ages, amounts of sleep, and
current developmental stage. This does NOT mean that we change our
expectations. Our behavioral expectations for respectful, kind, and
safe behaviors do not change. It is simply our approach that needs to
be consistent with teaching vs. shunning for longer term independent
choice making to happen.
Autopilot would be so helpful for the
times when we are tired, we have a lack of sleep ourselves, we are
simply not at our best. Parenting with high expectations for behavior
while truly engaging a child's brain connectivity takes our own
serious energy and pre-thought. It takes the ability to slow
ourselves down, not be reactive, to be calm and clear (again, not
backing down, but being in the moment objectively). I probably do not
need to spell this out, folks, but we need to learn to care for
ourselves so that we can truly be in that moment with our children
when they are losing it due to not having the skills to handle
something on their own effectively.
So say you are in the moment, you are
attempting to engage in a tough situation with your child. This book
goes into helping you simplify the steps you can use to employ
effective discipline. These are the basics behind Applied Behavior
Analysis, by the way:
- Ask yourself why your child is behaving the way they are behaving. If you child has hit you or someone else, truly ask yourself “why?” Was it to gain your or someone's attention? Was it to get out of a situation? (all behavior is a form of communication)
- What lesson do I want to teach? (what is the alternative way to communicate that need that would be more appropriate?)
- How can I best teach this lesson? (remember that it is never a good idea to attempt to teach anyone anything when emotions are running high. The authors equate this with approaching a growling, barking dog and trying to teach it to “sit” or some other trick when it is at it's height of fight mode.... get through the moment as clearly and safely as possible but definitely come back to it later when emotions are cooled).
Also in this chapter, the authors
outline the serious downsides to using spanking and time
outs for discipline measures. Spanking (or other aggressive responses
to challenging behaviors) either leave the child with the message
that their disciplinarian is someone to be feared or avoided creating
lying and/or blaming behavior. Time outs basically teach a child that
they must fend for themselves and hide their emotional responses –
not work through them with someone who can guide them to more
effective means of expressing or handling a given situation. Neither
promote brain connectivity to manage future scenarios confidently and
mindfully.
Next the chapter walks us through
really thinking about the manners in which we discipline now and how
we have done so in the past. The idea is that we will blame
ourselves, feel guilty, etc. but the time is now. We can discipline
successfully from this moment forward and with the Whole-Brain in
mind! “The more compassion you can have for yourself, the more
compassion you can have for your child. Even the best parents realize
that there will always be times they can be more intentional,
effective, and respectful regarding how they discipline their
children.... we can work on reducing the number of times we simply
react (or overreact) to a situation, and increasing the times we
respond out of a clear and receptive sense of what we believe our
kids need – in each particular moment, and as they move through
childhood toward adolescence and adulthood.” pg 32
On to chapter 2! More soon~
